MSP gives Jimmy Shand's laundry an airing

A Classic of the Parliamentary Sketch Genre, 1st July 2004

ROBERT McNEIL'S SKETCH, the Scotsman

WHERE does one start with yesterday in parliament? With the Land Rover called Alf? With the humping of wardrobes? Or with Jimmy Shand’s laundry?

The debate, supposedly a celebration of volunteering, brought forth strange confessions and peculiar tales.

But let us begin with Jamie Stone (Lib Dem), who wandered hither and yon, even stoating into the press gallery at one point. There was some mention of money. Then he was down beside Rosie Kane (Socialist) with his wallet out. Perhaps he was offering to top up her salary.

Meanwhile, Stewart Stevenson (SNP) announced: "When I volunteered for this debate" - groans - "I didn’t realise, of course, that I would have the most dreadful frog in my throat." Well, if it’s so dreadful, why doesn’t he get another one?

This amphibious wittering led him inexorably to extol the virtues of Banff Rotary Club (Provisional Wing). When he’d been in business, he added, his blood pressure had been measured at 140 over 90. Then, when he became an MSP, it had dropped to 110 over 40. He put this down to the fact that he was content. Nothing that a good boot up the arse couldn’t sort out.

Certainly, he was content to haver about James VI, who wrote in 1604 about smoking causing problems in the brain. Clearly, then, Stewart is on at least 60 a day.

Ted Brocklebank (Con) must be on another planet, if he thought he could mention Maggie Thatcher without provoking horror. She hadn’t meant the stuff about there being no society, but was really a kind person. In the corner of my eye, I could see security preparing the large syringe.

Unabashed, Ted continued with the observation that most volunteers were "white, middle-class ladies of a certain age".

This claim outraged Karen Whitefield (Lab), who said: "In my constituency, I threw a party for volunteers. Seventy odd people" - that’s no way to speak of your guests - "all came along to have a cup of tea and a piece of cake." Yes, I’ve heard folk speak warmly of Karen’s sticky buns. Her point was that these were not all old ladies. Mind you, nobody lives long enough in Airdrie to be old.

Karen went on to describe the activities of the 8th Airdrie Chapel Hall Scout Group and an organisation in Shotts "that wears many hats". Yes, let’s hear it for the Shotts and District Millinery Volunteers.

Thus inspired, Fergus Ewing (SNP) told us with ill-advised pride that he was big in the Girl Guides. Apparently, he’s an ambassador for the weird sect. Less distressingly, Fergus praised the four MSPs who’d recently volunteered for Mastermind and were now due to take on the Daily Mail (specialist subject: the poetry and wit of Adolf Hitler).

Fergus also praised the aforementioned Stewart, who had once served as Alex Salmond’s chauffeur and, in an unconnected incident, had once washed Jimmy Shand’s laundry. As we awaited an explanation for this, Fergus switched subjects to reminisce about his mountain-rescuing days when he’d driven a Land Rover called Alf.

At this point, I half-expected the Colonel from Monty Python to interrupt proceedings by pointing out: "Now, this is all getting a bit silly. Let’s have good, wholesome entertainment, and less of this namby-pamby flim-flam."

Good, wholesome Rosie Kane (Socialist), who seemed to be wearing some sort of harness, noted the jovial atmosphere in the old nuthouse and put it down to the impending end of term. "I feel like bringing my Kerplunk in," she said. Good. I just hope she’s still got all her marbles.

Marble-headed Patrick Harvie (Green) reminisced fondly of the days when he helped his parents to throw newspapers from a van at people’s houses. Later, they expanded into furniture, and young Patrick had his work cut out lobbing wardrobes hither and yon. It was all part of some recycling malarkey.

Speaking of malarkey, the aforementioned Jamie had at last sat down. Whereupon, he stood up immediately to announce: "I was going to make a big rude comment about Ted Brocklebank, but I won’t."

It was an interesting point, and one I’m sure his doctor will take into account when next called to the Stone household by anxious relatives ("He’s on the roof again dressed only in his sou’wester, doctor"). Categories [Media]
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